The first morning that I woke up next to my ex-husband, I realized that he could never be a good father and that we would never have a family together. I just knew it.
But why did I marry him?
The answer is simple – he was popular, smart, a good writer, good in bed, and he fell love with me during a very sensitive time in my life when I was heartbroken by my previous 6-year long relationship.
So, my ex-husband and I met, dated, engaged, and got married within 6 months’ time. I let myself be totally carried away by the passion.
Unfortunately, it took me much longer to get out of that relationship – almost 6 years until I finally said “goodbye” and went out to search for the one who could qualify as a father for my future children. I´m not saying that everyone should do the same, but being a mother mattered more to me than having a turbulent and passionate relationship.
With that in mind, what are the major differences between my present husband and my ex?
But, even still, why even my best friends think that my first husband was a true trophy?
Why is it that I turned 25, graduated from university, and still could not tell a difference between men who make good boyfriends and those who make good fathers?
Which are the traits of a great father?
Even when we are teenagers, we always discuss with our best friends who would make a good boyfriend.T his is because since the Stone Age (in which we have spent almost 99% of our time on Earth as species), we’ve been hardwired to believe that good boyfriends automatically make good fathers.
But the reality has changed, and I think women must often work against their common sense and maybe even against their gut feeling(s) when choosing a life partner.
In other words, we can’t go for the most handsome hunters any more.
In this brave new world that we live in, nerds of all kinds are just made of better marriage material, meaning that in the long-run, life with them is better. Marriages will last longer which provide more stability for kids, who will then have less troublesome personalities and will survive better…you get the picture.
Our priorities have changed and not necessarily for the better.
In my coaching sessions, I see many women who are wasting time and emotional resources on relationships that are, essentially, meaningless.
Chasing men who don’t want to commit, trying to get pregnant while their partner plans to move to another location and a new job, trying to get pregnant without their partner knowing etc…
Not to mention all the women who realize they have started working on a baby too late when their eggs are almost gone, who then come to me asking what supplements to take, why the IVF did not work, and how to speed up the processes.
Suddenly, everything is about speeding up despite many having been with the same partner for a decade, or longer without even mentioning having children together.
Which men make good fathers?
If you understand that your wish for holding your own biological child in your hands and helping it grow and thrive is an essential part of you that will never go away, pause for a minute and evaluate your relationship. And if you’re over 30, be ready to adjust where necessary. You know what I mean by that.
The way I see it, the most important question that any women first has to solve is:
Do I really want to be a mother?
If YES, then go ahead and ask questions about your partner and your relationship:
– Is your partner really the one you want to have children with?
– Do you want to see his face in the faces of your children or his character traits in the beings you love most?
– Are there some obvious red flags about your partner?
– Does he drink too much? Smoke too much? Eat too much?
– Does he respect his friends? Does he have any friends?
– Is he attached to his mother or sister in ways which do not seem healthy to you?
– CAN HE COOK? Please notice the capitalized letters – both of my husbands cook much better than I do and I if I had to search for athird one, this trait would again play a role.
– Does he overreact when you’re close to his laptop or smartphone?
– Is he flexible? Tolerant? Patient? These things are essential later on when dealing with children.
– Do you have to clean up after him?
– Is your partner responsible? Is he there for you when you’re sick and/or having hard times?
– Does your family approve him orare you with him because you hope it will be easier to change and fix him than find a new partner?
And finally: Does he want to have kids with you?
Did he ever mention this and in which way? I ask this because I often meet women whose partners say they were not interested in children but later turn out to have no problem in planning babies with another woman.
Unfortunately, we all think we can change a man’s mind and make him a person that he never was, but the one we desperately seek in him.
Yet, the sad truth is that if you can’t communicate with him well without a baby, it will only get worse once the baby is there.
I could end this article here, but I feel there is one more thing I’d like to add.
Namely, many women are too proud, too dependent, or just too scared to seriously consider one viable and often very good solution to not have a bad relationship and yet have a child at the same time: being a single mom.
Should you become a single mom by choice?
Yes, we all have our shortcomings, but if the answers to most of the questions about your relationship cast doubts, then you should probably be true to yourself and say, this guy is not worthy of my time, not worthy of my emotions, and not worthy of my eggs (thousands of which you’re wasting every month with each new period).
Children are a blessing and even if you are pregnant by someone with whom you don’t see your future… so what? If the relationship with your partner does not work, the one will your child will. There are many single moms around and there will be even more in the future.
God bless mother nature, she’s a single woman too.
Your children will bring the brightest colors to your life, so be ready to change and adjust your life to it. Instead of settling down for a life filled with heartache, go for life filled with joy!
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